There's Like, No Home

Last night was really, really hard. It caught me completely unawares.
I went over to my parents' house at around 8:30pm, expecting to head straight out to the pub for a drink with them; they were still packing along with my bro. I just hung around, generally chatting and helping out. Mum was quite emotional. I don't think I'd realised how hard it was going to be for her; she's moving to Cambridge and losing both sons at once...that's a huge shock to the system. For the first time in their marriage, her and my step-dad aren't going to have us around to look after - they met/got married when I was 4/5!! She told me she'd found it really hard on Saturday night after I'd taken my stuff and moved out.

Owen finished up what he was doing and left the house at about 11pm. That just left me, mum and my step-dad. We chatted for a bit, and I decided to take a last walk around the house.

I've been kindof putting off the emotional side of things. I knew it hadn't hit me yet; not fully. There've been a couple of times when I've started thinking about it all, but I've stopped myself cuz I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. I guess I just didn't want to face it too soon. When I was wandering through the rooms..BAM; it hit me. I was never going to be spending time in this house again. But, more than that, I wouldn't be spending the same kind of time with my family again. I'd never be able to just wander up to my brother's room and hang out with him. I'd never be able to walk up to mum and hug her and banter with her. I'd never be able to ask my step-dad if he had a few minutes to help me out or give me some advice on something. I'd never live at home again. I got into my brother's empty room, sat in the corner and just cried. I don't think I've cried that much for a long, long time. I didn't want to leave the room; I didn't want to lose the house, my family; my life. I finally managed to walk out of the room and close the door behind me. I went downstairs and, holding back the tears and said my goodbyes to my parents before driving off. Is it legal to drive while sobbing? I dunno. I'm glad nobody was around because I was making noises that I imagine Chewbacca would make if you stamped on his foot. Repeatedly. By the time I made it 'home' I was alright again and sounded vaguely human..just with red, puffy eyes.

I never expected it to be like this; I always thought they'd be there..just a few minutes away. I always thought my bro would be around, and I always thought I'd have them all close. Well, it's time to grow up. I'm so thankful for my parents, so thankful that they're great people, so thankful for my brother; he's a really great guy. I'm so thankful to God for the life I have been given, and the life I've got to lead. It's just really hard letting it go.